BEING WITH STORIES
2020- Senior citizen. Senior? My pattern of thinking has been gifted to me from my forefathers and foremothers since Homo sapiens evolved. This special gift of thinking was specially spiced up with a special ingredient called EMOTIONS which was main gift.
Lying down tired one afternoon strange memories from childhood surfaced. FEAR ! Strange !Had not felt it for a long time now. Fear of being beaten fear of being ridiculed compared and fear of the dark. Remembered little things holding my hands to cover my face and creeping into the corner of a room. Tried sourcing the root of the thought.
It was the suddenness of the incident and not the actual physical hurt. The pain was the trauma and shock and not the actual hurt. Now! now! its not what you are thinking! It was somebody trying to beat me. Looking at it objectively. They had been stored and probably now finding its vent when after a long time had a holiday to rest. Are they called vasanas? Imprints… perhaps.
And then I see myself shrivelling to a corner and that feeling is still there deep within the subconscious brain . Is it combined with anger? Or just let me allow them to surface and watch instead of running away from it or applying too much of my thought to it.
YES TIME TO DISSOLVE. Should I restart my system and allow the system to do an entire virus scan. YES. That what’s happening now and then get rid of the adware malwares etc.
Are we so patterned that we cannot change? The weather is dull outside and cold. Soon the season will change and it is in nature. Like the leaves wither away slowly we will too. Why not enjoy it rather than getting stuck in the pattern of living eating and sleeping. But that’s life isn’t it? It’s my thought that says (an old habit formation) that this is wrong or right. This is how it ought to be and not the way I am feeling now. So what if I feel sleepy. Why don’t I just sleep. Why do we have to apply our thoughts to every action and emotion. Why am I dominating and controlling it with my egoistic knowing mind? .
Oops ! the cover of my mobile just got wet. I need to remove it from the phone now and let it dry. The mobile cover is made of leather like texture akin to our skin. Just remembered yesterday crossing the cemetery near Wilson garden Bangalore. The smell of the burning flesh stinks. It’s terrible. Hmm! And I am wondering what face mask to use? Organic Aloevera, chandan or traditional papaya skin itself?
Strange how nothing matters when the flesh burns. Attachments and looks are all so superficial. As long as the air from the rustling leaves is entering into me it will keep me alive. Hmm! so do I need to DO ANYTHING ABOUT MY PATTERN OF THINKING-BEING DOING!? Why don’t I just rest my mind a bit. ALLOW/DENY/BLOCK ?
NONE OF IT IS GOING TO WORK. WHERE I HAVE TO BE HAS ALREADY BEEN DETERMINED. So let me just watch, stare and look at life pass by. When It has taken care of me for 63 years it will be may be for another 17 years. EVERYTHING WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF INCLUDING MY FEARS.
Slowly the wrapping will begin to uncover to expose that deep hidden me.. – Geeta Ramanujam.
‘We are slowed down sound and light waves,
a walking bundle of frequencies
tuned into the cosmos.
We are souls dressed up
in sacred biochemical garments
and our bodies are the instruments
through which our souls play their music.’
– Albert Einstein –